HW # 19- Big Paper 1 Suggestions

To Sam J,

Sam, I am having trouble understanding your rough draft. It is not that your paper is bad, I know you are heading somewhere but it has confusion. And I am a slow reader and cannot get the meaning just yet. I think you shouldn't start with an definition because it just doesn't hook the reader. Some people doesn't know what is the definition of "humanity" so you can probably add it somewhere else on your paper. Your introduction is not that catchy. I think you should have all your arguments/ examples down then make an better introduction. That's one way to hook your reader because you know what you are using to back up your thesis.

Another thing about your introduction is when you briefly said that all human needs communication, how does that put us on top of your food chain. It is like so random[ish]. I think you should take that out. You are also saying that most people cannot be disconnected from others but how come you are saying that internet is separating us? Like I said, Sam, I am a slow reader... and cant get the actually meaning [yet].

When I read your body paragraph, I slowly get the meaning of your paper. Teenagers are getting draw into digital than begin socially. We have no interaction with the outside world what-so-ever. And we spend most of the time in our little bubble, websurbing and having fun. Like what you said, you cannot fully concentrate when you are writing this paper, you get distracted so easily. I am finally getting your paper. You have good examples and arguments. The only question I have is; are you saying that technologies is bad or good? Because some of your reasoning just really confused me. One more thing, I think you should have a better hook, and for each paragraphs, try to tie it back to your thesis.

Amazing Job Sam, I am sorry for being a slow reader. I cannot to wait to read your final.

To Bao Lin,

Bao Lin, 2 words to describe your rough draft. Truly Amazing! You know what, I am going to copy and paste everything you wrote, so I can earn a 100. But seriously, your paper is fantastic. You have a great hook and thats why I wanted to read this paper on the first place. Your introduction is so deep and your thesis is so seductive. I totally agree with your thesis because when my grades drop, I blame it on the technologies. It is not my fault that these technologies are so addictive. It is like you cannot tell a smoke to stop smoking because they are already addict to it. They are already poison by the drugs in them.

You have the perfect evidence to back up your thesis. I am also arguing why Steven Johnson and the passage he wrote, are so stupid. How is he going to tell us that technologies are able to help us. Everyday, everynight, I have to spend my time raising my grades.

You also connect your thesis back to every paragraph, so that the reader can actually remember what you are arguing about. Bao Lin, you are all set. Nothing has to be change but just connect these digital representatives to your daily life. For example, on your blog, you decorate your background to make it look like a real masterpiece, so in term of that, I know you spend some of your freetime, on the computer having fun. Good Job. Cant wait to read your final draft.